About a year after we were married, we got pregnant. 11 weeks into the pregnancy we miscarried. I was devastated, depressed and felt like it was my fault. I questioned everything I had believed and hit rock bottom. It took me months to get back to my normal self, although I don’t think I ever will be the person I was before our angel. I’ve learned a lot about life through the loss. That little angel has made me a better person today. A better wife, partner, friend and mother.
We decided to try again after we were given the okay, which looking back probably wasn’t the smartest thing. The wounds were still too fresh. All I wanted was to get pregnant again and (in my head) get back what we had lost. This was a trying time for us and for our marriage. In October, we did end up getting pregnant while taking Clomid for the first time (irregular cycles) but at 6 weeks we miscarried again.
At that time I felt that something was wrong. Whether it was me, hubs, us together…I didn’t know but I wasn’t going to go through another loss before we had some answers. At that point we were referred to a specialist. We decided to not try again until we had answers from the specialist, I just wanted to know what was “wrong” with me. We had out consultation with the RE on my 28th birthday, November 22nd. I was so ready for this birthday and the fresh start of a new year for me. We felt great about the new DR and moved forward with a laundry list of testing. About a week after our consultation, we started the blood work. I had 11 viles of blood drawn. I was supposed to go back a week later for more testing, but I had to wait for my cycle to start. It never did. So they called me in for blood work to check my HCG levels. The next day I found out we were pregnant. We had conceived the week of our consultation, on our own. We were shocked and scared at the same time. Both of our blood works came back normal but we still didn’t have any answers. 31 weeks later, I’m still pregnant. To this day, we don’t know what caused our losses. We may never know.
I’m going to leave it a this today, but I do have posts planned for the future. One day I hope to write a book on miscarriage. I’m far from an expert but I think there isn’t enough out there about it. I feel like some think it’s taboo to talk about but in reality more people experience it then you would ever know. One thing I will say is that I never would have been able to get through the past year without blogging. I didn’t know anyone my age who had gone through a miscarriage before in my “real” life. But, I met many ladies through blogging. Even though I never shared my story in a post, many of you know it from the friendships we’ve developed via email and the support you’ve all provided has meant the world to me. Today, I hope that in sharing this I will be able to help others who are going through what we went through.
Believe it or not, I wouldn’t change what has happened to us. I don’t think hubs and I would have what we have as a couple today if we hadn’t gone through this. I learned a lot about myself and have completely changed as a person. I learned about my friends and how blessed we are to have such a wonderful support system. You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. I know that AG, hubs and myself have two guardian angels always watching over us always. They will always be a part of us, always.
Today, I added a PAIL button to my blog. I’m a little late in adding it, but I wanted to tell my store before making the button a permanent fixture on the blog. The PAIL blogroll is a listing of participating bloggers who find themselves pregnant/parenting on the difficult journey through adoption, infertility and/or loss. This list is meant to connect bloggers along this road to share experiences, advice, resources and friendship.