When I was younger and thought about getting married and having a family I just assumed that when my husband and I were ready I would get pregnant right away and have a healthy baby. I was so naive. I personally know women, and have read stories of many women’s heartaches with trying to conceive, miscarriages, stillborns, or the loss of an infant. Every story doesn’t always have a happy ending.
Mike and I were high school sweethearts and go married in February of 2008. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mom and I was ready to have a baby right away. Mike; not so much! So in the spring of 2010 we decided that we were going to try and get pregnant in June of that summer. Apparently God had other plans because on April 24 I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. It was a little earlier than we expected but we were both so excited. I was due January 4th and had a very uneventful pregnancy. In August we found out we were going to have a little girl and decided to name her Eleanor. She came into our world at 37 weeks and changed our life forever.
I switched my care to a midwife and made an appointment for the end of the week. She scheduled a same day ultrasound and the tech came in and turned on the machine and took picture after picture. I laid there praying as I listened to the sound of her nails hitting the keys. And then it was time. She turned on the audio to hear the heartbeat and there it was…nothing. Just a flat line across the screen.
I had a D&C the next week and was completely devastated. Everyone had their own way of trying to make me feel better. Some said “well at least you know you can get pregnant” or “You can just have another one” and some people just didn’t say anything at all. I would just lie in bed at night and sob. I didn’t want another baby. I wanted this baby. I was ready to try again right away. Mike wasn’t so sure, but we decided to just not prevent and see what happened. Six weeks later I had a period. It was like a smack in the face. I wasn’t supposed to be having a period. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant, not having a period.But sure enough, the next month I saw 2 pink lines on that little stick. My midwife had me come in for an ultrasound around 7 weeks and when we heard the heartbeat I was sobbing so much that she had to stop the ultrasound until I calmed down. I have never heard a sweeter sound. We were so excited, but still hesitant.
When I was about 14 weeks we had a little scare when I lost consciousness and once we made sure everything was ok with the baby we told our parents and siblings around 15 weeks.
For the majority of the pregnancy I remained a little detached. Not on purpose, I think it was just my way of trying to protect my heart in case anything happened. I was afraid that the second I let myself get excited and start to dream about our future something bad would happen. I cried again at the anatomy scan when the tech told us it was a boy and that he looked completely healthy. We told the rest of our family after our scan, and even though I knew everything looked perfect, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to relax until he was safe in my arms. I remember breaking down one morning in church when I was about 36 weeks because I was terrified that something was going to happen and we would lose the baby.
But God is faithful, and at 39 weeks 2 days, I started having contractions and at 7:45 pm welcomed Michael into the world. I know that I am supposed to say that if I had carried the baby we lost to term then we wouldn’t have our sweet Michael, but if I’m being honest, that doesn’t really soothe my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michael fiercely with all of my heart, but I want both babies. I know it isn’t possible, but in a perfect world that would be my wish. I have two babies her eon earth who have taught me I could love in a way I never imagined, but I look forward to the day that I can hold my angel baby and kiss their sweet face. I am thankful that they are in the arms of Jesus.
Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”