Hi, My name is Tawnya and I blog over at All Of Life’s Little Adventures. I love to blog about our life as a family of three but in between I love to talk about toddler fashion, mommy thoughts and whatever is on my heart in general. Most of my followers would probably say I am a pretty open book and that’s because I am. So when Leah asked me to be a part of this series I was more than excited. I think miscarriages are something us as women don’t speak enough about, our little ones are forgotten, those pregnancies kept secret and lost. I think it’s so important to talk about our journey to parenthood (no matter the circumstances). So thank you Leah, for leading such an open and honest discussion.
My husband (Adam) and I were married June.22nd, 2011. Soon after returning home from the wedding we started talking about when we would start a family, this wasn’t a new topic for us as I really wanted to have babies before we were even married. We definitely swayed from one side to the other (whether or not to start our family right away) because we could come up with so many excuses as to why it was not the right time.
To our surprise, we got pregnant right away in October. I was terrified, I really didn’t think it would happen as quickly as it did. Thoughts were swirling around my head like, ‘I’m too young’, ‘this is too soon’, ‘we’re not ready’. But I scheduled a doctors appointment to confirm it, and sure enough I was pregnant, the due date was June.1st, 2012. After that first appointment and the confirmation from the doctor, we were pretty excited, it felt real. I felt like I couldn’t contain my excitement for the next week and a half of so, I wanted to tell the world, I felt as though I instantly bonded with that little life that was growing inside of me.
I went to the walk in clinic where the doctor brushed me off saying, “It’s probably just a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage, these things happen all the time in early pregnancy”. Of course he said he was sorry for our loss because professionally that’s what he has to say, but he was so cold. He offered no support told us to go home and let it run its course, if the cramping or bleeding got worse I was to return to the hospital.
We were both heartbroken. I think the hardest part for me was not having my feelings validated, not having anyone to really talk to about it besides my husband, it was all very isolating. I felt connected to that life that we conceived, even though he or she was only weeks old. This was a distinct turning point not only in my life but in our life and our marriage. This was the moment that I knew we were ready, I knew that starting a family was something that we really wanted. We kept trying, only my Type A tendencies kicked in and I wanted it to happen yesterday, so every negative test poured a little more salt on the wound.
In February we took a late honeymoon to try to relax and forget about our troubles back home. It was so much fun and we definitely came home refreshed and ready to face the world again. To my surprise when I took a test at the end of February we were pregnant again, only this time we welcomed our beautiful baby girl into our lives in October 2012.
I truly believe that ANY pregnancy, no matter how early is the beginning of a life. Whether there was something ‘chemically’ wrong with our baby or not, it was still a life that we created. There was hope, excitement, dreams of a future with our little one and a due date. In just one moment, all of those hopes and dreams were taken away. That is not an easy thing to grasp and unfortunately it is an experience that too many are going through. I look at my experience now and realize I am lucky. Lucky to have conceived so quickly, lucky to have only lost one angel baby, lucky to have been able to carry my daughter for nine months and deliver her into this world. That is a lot more than some have and it breaks my heart to know there are families who continue to struggle with fertility and loss…
If my story can help one person, if my story can give someone hope, then my job is done and I am happy to have shared it.